This is... a lot to unpack.
Over the course of the past weeks, a man came into my life. We'll call him Mezaphromite. I met him online, he's older, and for some reason he became a sort of mentor to me. Of course, he developed feelings for me, and things got complex.
I never met him, in person, yet, thank God. But it seems to me as if he's been a key milestone in my journey. He helped me reopen this can of worms regarding one of my exes, who was a narcissist, or actually more of a psychopath/sociopath (his words, not mine, as in my exe's words).
On this journey of the past few weeks, I dove back waaaaaay into the story with this ex, re-reading emails, unpacking with my therapist, even took a personality test that confirmed I was a "rare" type of empath. And this test was crafted by a narcissist- genius.
Yet something didn't sit right within me. I "know" too much to know i'm not just all love and light. and here comes the law of duality, the law of polarity.
As above, so below.
As within, so without.
Yin Yang. Light Dark. I have soooo much light to me, so logically I have that equal amount of darkness. and I then embarked on reopening the shadow work.
Jung. Lots of Jung.
In the meantime some stuff happened with Mezaphromite, whom i'm persuaded is the same as me, just not HEALED and doesn't see his shadows, and we had stopped talking. Of course, he kept on messaging (and this is where I saw my narcissistic traits and his unhealed wounds), and even said some weird stuff, and today I finally opened the door back to him Let's chat. Let's unpack. Let's move forward. But he wanted to go back into the past, into the loop of "drama" instead of moving forward. HAH! I see you. I so see through the BS. More than ever. So I told him what I had to say, and blocked him.
Next.
That being said, I then had an extremely spiritual moment which involved a certain Saint, and that lead me to uncovering "the self-aware narcissist" and content around that, which is so aligned with what i've been talking about. I scheduled a call with him (this content creator) tomorrow, and funnily enough - and I think this is the key for me in manifesting my husband, because this person is a black man with dreads, and I felt that for the longest time my future husband had to be a black man with dreads, so karmically maybe he has been manipulating me this whole time .. AND, this black man with dreads came just after the psychopath ex, all this btw in my mind and not in the 3D world. I know I sound absolutely crazy but where i'm at in life, literally give no shits anymore. I have nothing to lose, and literally everything to gain.
It's been a weight lifted off my shoulders, I feel like I can actually be free, and myself, truly authentic, knowing that I do have narcissistic traits, as so does everyone, but that mine are possibly a little heightened.
Why haven't my therapists picked up on it? Cause i'm so good at manipulating I mean come on give me a break, isn't that obvious already?
I only just revealed certain information to my therapist that she was shocked about. There's a lot she doesn't know. It actually isn't hurting anyone else but me.
Also, my mother does believe my dad was a narcissist, which I can see why, and if that was the case, though narcissism isn't hereditary per se, from genes, children can definitely pick up and model behaviours. and energy, let's not forget that, and the title of this blog post which is .. the spiritual self-aware narcissist.
So all that to say, IT'S ME BITCHES! Now don't fear.. the good news, for those who know me, is that I AM the love and light. The light worker, and what makes me so is that I am SO integrated in my being, in my light and in my darkness.
If this "label" changes your viewpoint of me, you need to do more work on yourself. Not me. Question your beliefs. Your preconceived notions. What triggers you and why?
And never forget.. what triggers you is just shining the light on where there's more to work on.
With love,
C
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